Still Going....... (and Notes on Seratonin Syndrome)

My Energizer brain, whether powered by hormones or just the ongoing weirdness that is, well, my brain, won't let me get sleepy again. I'll have to resort to my sedative of choice soon, Buffy the Vampire Slayer. It has no undesirable side effects, and I can "go off of it" whenever I want to.

I got into it when I was first sick, and there has always been something about it that helps quiet and focus my mind when other techniques fail me. There has been many a night in the past four years when I've only been able to fall asleep with it on. Maybe it's because the house and the "family" and the coping with extremely bizarre and often scary challenges in a humorous way all seem comfortingly familiar. I know what it is to live on a Hellmouth.

I first learned that I had Serotonin Syndrome when, after all my neurologist and psychiatrist shrugging sessions, I found the Mayo Clinic website actually has a Q&A forum. I wrote in, describing my various symptoms, and the circumstances under which they developed, and the doctor who was doing the forum said "Serotonin Syndrome" with an implied "duh" at the end. (I still have the emails). He naturally said I needed to consult with my doctors for an accurate diagnosis, but at that point I was inclined to take his word for it. I learned that Serotonin Syndrome can actually be fatal, and I had to acknowledge that at least I'd survived. The thing is that, even now, anything that stimulates Serotonin is still problematic for me, even sex. Sex has always made me stay awake a bit longer than my husband (the natural difference between the way women and men respond), but since 2003 I have to be really careful about when I "do it" or I'm up all night. Since I still prefer evening sex, it complicates the matter even further. If I'm actually stupid enough to eat chocolate and have sex on the same night, I can pretty much guarantee a heart roller coaster. At least then I know the cause, unlike all those nights when I have an episode for no apparent reason at all.

I'm still pondering the many drugs that people go through, trying to find the right one, and I feel it's worth noting that -- from where I stand -- the herbal stuff is just as problematic. Whether it's St. John's wort or Guarine, it all affects me just like the prescription ones do. With the exception of my very brief attempt to placate Dr. O's ongoing desire to cure me with drugs by taking one dose of Propranolol last month, I've been pretty much chemical free for three years... nothing stronger than Tylenol or Tums. Okay, and occasionally Ibuprofen. Really, on the whole, I think that's a good thing; it's given my system a little time to heal, regenerate, although I still feel like my nerves were just sort of stripped, I'm still so sensitized to so many things. I still can feel the weather changing when a storm front comes in. My husband thinks I'm just being poetic or something, but it is actually a physiological, experiential phenomenon for me... I can feel it coming. Maybe I should just hire myself out as a human barometer.

As for the lawsuit, I was looking up prospects again, and was struck by how many other people are doing the same. One blog comment to that effect had 955 hits, 538 hits on another, etc. Everybody's wondering, but nobody's doing. I can't help feeling a little frustrated by this, not just because none of us underdog formerly/currently depressed/anxious people seems to be able to summon the strength to really get the ball rolling. Either that or there aren't any lawyers out there who will take us "psychos" seriously, or are just afraid they'll have a hard time proving anything in court with such "unstable" clients. Or possibly, on the conspiracy theory end of the spectrum, the pharmaceutical companies have become really good at quashing any potential threats to their hegemony. There are obviously a lot of people who have been adversely affected by this drug, and I'm at a loss as to how it has just managed to fly under the radar. There was even a site that mentioned a teen suicide - you'd think that might garner some attention (not that I want to seem elated by that).

I don't know... just don't get why nobody's suing. Some firm in Oklahoma, I think it was, Caroline, Patel and Something, hung out a promising shingle back in 2005, but apparently nothing came of it. I emailed them and even called them, and the secretary sounded very bored with the whole thing. How far can a suit go with a bored secretary, er, administrative assistant? Where's my Erin Brokovich?

Well, Buffy beckons.