Flashback - Here's a Lower Place

(from a journal entry in March 2004)
I have to write about this because there just isn't anybody to tell anymore. People just get tired of you being miserable, and they just don't want to hear it anymore, but I still have problems, and nobody seems to be able to do anything about it, and sometimes I just don't know how to take it anymore.

Tonight I got up, my body tremoring, my mind racing, and I tried to do some yoga. While I was stretching, my mouth just started producing a lot of saliva, and I couldn't help drooling. When I tried to close my lips to hold in the spit, my mouth started twitching, and I just couldn't control it. Then, when I went to stand up, my bladder just sort of refused to hold it in too. Could I be less dignified?

(from a journal entry in June 2004)
I have this crazy eye twitch that comes and goes. I wish I could joke about it, but it just seems like one more straw on the camel's back. But that final one, really that came a couple of weeks back. Money has been so tight that there hasn't been much fun in the kids' lives, so I scrounged around the house and finally came up with 99 cents to go rent a kid video for them at Hastings. We got there, picked out the video, stood in line, and found out that my husband had got the last movie back late and we had a late fee. I had no money to pay for it. As we walked out of the store, the kids crying because they couldn't see the movie, me crying because I couldn't get a measly 99 cent movie for them, I thought, we must be the most pathetic sight in the world. I just sat with them on the bench in front of the store, all three of us tear-streaked and whimpering, and all I could think was that there was not a soul who would stop and help us out with a two dollar late fee. What a world we live in.