... and a Happy New Year

Another racing heart episode on New Years Eve found me at the ER again, by myself. My husband refused to drive me. The nurses scolded me for driving myself. By sheer luck, they actually caught the phenomenon early enough to record it on EKG. Sure enough, my heart was going at a good clip in what appeared to be a state of atrial fibrillation. My heart rhythm was definitely out of whack. The ER doctor told me the problem was common in 50 or 60 year olds, but pretty rare in 36 year olds. Upon follow up, Dr. O referred me to a cardiologist. He hooked me up to a “King of Hearts” monitor for 24 hours, which returned nothing conclusive, except that my heart occasionally did a little hopscotch. Nothing life threatening, just extremely disconcerting. I wasn't dying, it just felt like it. This did, however, push Dr. O to prescribe Atenolol, a beta-blocker, for me in an attempt to kept my heart rhythm and blood pressure regulated. It was supposed to maybe help with my anxiety as well.
My first few days on Atenolol were unpleasant, as it made me dopey, and my experience with other dopiness agents over the last few months made me simultaneously really anxious about feeling dopey, which was really a strange combination of things to feel. After a tearful conversation with my Dad, who had been on Atenolol for his heart, I stuck it out. After a couple of weeks it seemed to be helping some. I bought a heart monitor/blood pressure cuff to keep an eye on my progress. There were times when I felt my heart was racing again, but the monitor would reassure me that all was well, even if I was skipping a beat here or there, or fluttering a bit. On another tearful day, I had to make the decision not to go back to school for the semester, and not to accept the re-offered teaching assistantship. It was a painful choice; I knew the assistantship would not likely be offered again, and I felt beaten. But I knew I just wasn’t strong enough. I was barely staying on top of the housework and childcare.